Thomas, Hayden and I were sitting on the couch talking. Hayden was explaining and teaching his dad, The Plan of Salvation, in greater detail. I had just asked Hayden, "what is the Savior's work and glory?" He was explaining it to Thomas.... "The Savior's work is to being immortality and His glory and joy is to being to pass eternal life." We went on. Hayden explaining and Thomas listening, with me clarifying and helping when Hayden stumbled. Overall, I was way impressed with Hayden's knowledge. I love that we have the opportunity to study at such a deeper level and I get to really help him understand the gospel and how it relates to his current life experiences.
As Hayden began explaining to his dad why earth life is similar to college. I heard him say that we needed to move away and learn to have faith and practice what we had learned while loving with our Heavenly Father. Hayden's voice started to feel distant. I felt like I was being pulled away from my boys. I desperately fought to try to stay with them. My vision left and their words were muffled but I could make out a few here and there. I tried to reach out and pull myself back. However, I felt like I was in a tunnel. Racing and spiraling downward. My thoughts were no longer connecting. I would black out and barely come back.
All of a sudden, there was an awful tasting substance in my mouth. What was in my mouth. Burning. Unpleasant. Oh, my head. Wait. There is something really heavy on my head. Pressure. Hurting my neck. I try to move it but feel resistance. Words. I hear Thomas speaking. I cannot get the pressure against my head to move. I'm trapped. I feel anxiety rush through my veins. What is happening? I try again to speak. No longer, is the tunnel surrounding me. It's all black. More time passes.
I again feel the extreme pressure on my head. Thomas? Is that you? Why are you putting all of your weight onto my head.... It hurts....so much pressure. Confusion gives way to words. Thomas is talking. What is he staying. Darkness. I must have blacked out agin. Then Peace. I feel the dog on my lap and hands on my head. Oh. Thomas is giving me a blessing. What happened? The awful taste in my mouth....must be frankincense. I try to utter a word. No words come. I try to open my eyes. Dizziness. Sheer dizziness. Nauseau. Uneasy feelings return.
Thomas must have just given me a. Priesthood blessing. I search for words or thoughts or rememberance. None come. Burning. Itching. Oh how I despise the itching. Intense. Deep. The blood running through my vein itches. There is no way to relieve the itching and discomfort. I endure.
I come back to. I try to speak. I can tell from Thomas' response to Hayden that I must be really out of it still and not making any sense. Although I can't quite make out the words, I can tell he is telling Hayden it will be ok.
Thomas sits with me and rubs my hand and tries to gently pull me out of the seizure. Remembering is the worst. I'm not as scared when I "wake up" to his voice. His touch. Hayden's tenderness or laughter. Although my vision has not yet returned and confusion encompasses me completely, I feel safe with them. They are my rocks. My strength and my comfort. They are my safe place. Vision or no vision. They would never allow anything to happen to me. I can feel their attentiveness.
I start coming back. Thomas asks me questions. He is lovingly and gently trying to bring me back to him and Hayden.
The itching. The itching is now covering my full body. My head. Chest. Legs. Arms. Back. It all itches like crazy. I beg. Thomas to make it stop. He scratches saying this is the best he can get. He slowly helps me up. He steadies me. He helps me endure the walk to my bed.
I struggle. I know this one was a doozie. My walking is forced and unsteady. My balance atrocious. I reach for the buffet to steady myself. Thomas grips me closer and tighter. I ask for a chair. He tells me I can keep going. "Not much further," he gently speaks, "I've got you. ". He pulls me a little tighter and bears more of my weight. I stumble. I grab for anything to help steady myself.
The itching is making me crazy. I try to hug. Hayden goodnight. This one was bad. It has taken so much from me. I struggle for simple words, I struggle and settle with a simple, "I love you, Bubba!"
I pause against the bed to have Thomas scratch me. More. More. Deeper. Deeper. The intensity of it is literally making me crazy at this point. I know there is nothing I can do, but it makes me crazy anyways. I need help to the bathroom. I feel the urge to go. Why after hundreds and thousands of seizures, I still insist in going in to the bathroom afterwards, is beyond me. No matter how much pressure. No matter the urge to go. It doesn't happen. My urinary track is paralyzed. And although the burn and urgency feelings will remain I cannot go. My urinary tract is paralyzed. After each seizure. Each episode. The paralysis remains for 6 to 12 hours. So I am only more annoyed with my body's lack of response.
I settle in for bed. I realize that Max has stuck to me like glue. He's a good puppy. I'm so grateful for him. He knows when I am ill and stays right by me. Hayden calls to get him to come sleep with him. Max looks at me. He can see the confusion and frustration on my face and tension in my body. Max won't be leaving my side tonight...that is for sure.
Four hours later and I still sit here, more alert, but itching. I doze on and off. The seizure takes it out of me. Tiredness is prevalent. But my body is so uptight and itching so bad, and so tense that sleep will not come. I'm adjitated beyond belief but sleep is evasive. I try. But the itching is too intense. My body cannot relax and get comfortable. So I play games. I doze. I pace.
These seizures are awful. Miserable. Painful. Mess with my memory. Cause itching. Deep pain. Adjitation and miserableness.
I also am reminded of the sweet priesthood blessing given to me. Although out of it and not with it, I pray to get the tender feelings back from the priesthood blessing. Thomas told me I was promised protection, peace, comfort and love. I cling to that.
I will welcome the day when this body is no longer tormented with seizures. I long for the day they will only be a bad reminder of the past. Until then, I'm grateful for my boys that lovingly help me.
I will try again to pray for sleep. I hope for healing.... And a dream to someday be seizure free.
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