Curves

Today I start down I road I hoped I would never have to walk. 

It is crazy. I have timehop on Facebook. I was reminded that this week was six years since I had my hysterectomy. That means over six years of battling for my life. Over six years of needing others help to even get my most vital needs met. Over six years of struggling. 

It also means that those I love have endured over six years of having to help me do all the things that I need. Having those I love help to take me to doctors and get me meds, make me meals and even help me get dressed. Over six years of my loved ones not knowing what my day was going to be like or if I would survive. Six years of not being able to make plans or knowing if I would be up to their events or activities. Six years of turning their worlds upside down. 

Six years is a long time. Hayden was 8 when I got sick. He is now 14. His life. His world. He doesn't know anything besides me fighting to stay alive. He doesn't know a mom that just takes him to the movies mid day cause they can or drive to Disneyland in the middle of the night and pull up without him knowing where we are headed. Or jut take off and do things. 

Instead his life is calculated and planed. He never knows if mom will be able to go or attend. His life is filled with unknowns. What if ..... Mom had a seizure or passes out or is really sick. What if mom is in the hospital or doctor or just asleep. His world is filled with uncertainties and fear of mom always being sick. Having to be flexible because of mom. 

My heart breaks for what my world has done to those I love. 

My heart breaks for the life that Thomas and Hayden have to live because of me. 

But what are my options? 

Allow them to struggle with the crazy world of chemo and seizures and autoimmune diseases and a really sick mom? 

~OR~

Struggle as a single dad and a beloved son who lost his mom to a terrible illness? 

My options downright stink. Neither are great. Neither or optimal. But that is my life. Those are my choices. And every single day I try to give my all and do my best. I love with all I have got so that their lives are as filled with as little drama and uncertainty and pain, as possible. 

But, as our roads have twisted and turned so many times, so another curve begins. The curves are hard to navigate as we struggle to get the rhythm down and the pace. Struggle to know where we get too close to the edge of the road. But after the curves, the roads do eventually straighten out again. Life settles into as much rhythm as possible in our crazy lives. 

As we start new curves, I pray the adjustment will be a swift. And we can do what needs to be done. But, I guess somehow we always find the way, even when it all feels completely overwhelming.