How?

For most of us, life is something we expect to hold on to and live each day. We anticipate going to bed each night and arising the next morning. We make plans, not only for today and tomorrow, but for the coming months, years, decades and a lifetime. We wonder what life will be like when our children are older, when we are emptynesters, when we are grandparents and when life slows down.

I have often wondered what life would be like when Hayden learned to drive, when he graduated college, left on a mission, came home from an honorable mission, went to college, met the girl of his dreams, got married, announced they were expecting our first grandchild, the joy of grandchildren, family vacations, more Christmases, lots of beach time, Thomas and I growing old together, serving a mission and so much more. I just thought these things, these events that happen with the progression of time, would be mine. I would get to experience them, that I would have many more sad and happy and glorious moments along the way.

Then, something happens. You get sick. I got sick. And of course, doctors predict weeks and months and even one time only a few hours left to live, but I defy the odds. With the help of our Savior, I continue to live and get so many more precious moments.

In the past five years, the first time my life should have been taken, I have had countless moments that I love. Hayden was merely 9 years old when my life should have ended. He was in elementary school and still mastering the art of reading. His joy was superheroes and DS video games and the trampoline and cousins.

Since then, his interests have changed. He has evolved into a 14 year old boy that loves engineering and building and constructing and using tools and working the technology world. He has built his own computer after saving the money to buy the parts. He has his own youtube channel.

He has been to scout camps and the grand canyon and the pioneer trek and so much more. Together we have explored and gone on so many amazing vacations. We went on an all Simonton cruise to the Caribbean when he was  10 years old, we went on a cruise with Suzi to Cozumel and Costa Maya, Honduras and Belize when he was 13 years old, and when he was 14 years old we cruised with all the Simonton's to Haiti, Cozumel, Jamaica and Florida. We have gone five times, almost six to the beach in Oceanside, our joyous place. We have traveled to the mountains and spent time with loved ones. We have visited family and friends and loved every moment.

I have seen him be ordained to a deacon and then a teacher, seen him do baptisms for the dead and was there when he received his patriarchal blessing.

I have seen him earn over 40 merit badges and we start on his eagle project soon. I have seen him grow from a little boy to a righteous young man. He is the best teenager around.

I have watched him develop and amazing relationship with our Savior. I have watched him and helped him set goals and accomplish them. I have seen him become a terrific friend filled with love and charity. I have watched him develop into an outstanding young man.

I have cherished each moment of the past five years, knowing at any time it could be taken from me. And grateful for every day that I have woken up and got to be there for him.

Then, when I think of the future, I cry and my heart breaks. Look at all I have experienced in 14 short years with Hayden and 15 years with Thomas. The last five years have flown by. We have made a lifetime worth of memories.

How do I let go and miss him learning to drive and going on a mission and getting married and having grandchildren? How do I let all of mine and Thomas' bucket list items go away? How do I handle knowing someone else will be standing in my place of events and experiences that should be mine? How do I do it? How do I let go?

I don't have a choice. I cannot choose to stay here with those I love. It is my Savior's choice. It is and always has been his plan. Yes, I agreed to it, willingly, before I came here. I knew the heartache but I also knew the joy, the true joy. I knew this was part of our Father's plan and I willingly accepted.

Yet now, I am heartbroken at what I will miss. I love these two with all my heart. I love how they love me and the joy they bring.

How do I let go and say goodbye to those I love? How do I let me world stop spinning? I know I am not the first to face such torment? I know I have been gifted much more than I deserve. My life has been simply amazing. I have had the perfect and most loving husband and absolutely a joy for a son. My life, simply a dream.

But, I am told that my time here is short. That i must get ready to say goodbye. That our time here must come to an end. That Thomas and Hayden must stay here and face all the chapters I dreamed of, without me. That I must let go and trust that my Savior can do a better job with them than I can.

Blessings usually comfort me. They are words directly from my loving Father in Heaven to me. Yet the blessing I received was so hard to bear. I was told that in life, I have completely learned to trust myself, my body, my life, to our Savior. That I have held nothing back and completely trusted him. Now is my time for my greatest test.. would I or could I trust my Savior with Thomas' and Hayden's lives? Could I trust that my Savior would do a better job than me? Could I let go? I was told to prepare that the time is not much longer.

But how?

I do absolutely trust my Savior and loving Father in Heaven. I want the best for them. And I know that my Savior saves, I do not. I know I am merely a wife and mother. A wife and mother that adore them but simply mortal. I would do absolutely anything my savior asks. Anything. But this has to be the hardest test. How do I say goodbye?

How do I say goodbye? How do I teach Hayden all I need to in a short time frame? How do I tell those I love that I love them enough? How do I let go? How do I miss out on so many memories and precious moments? How do I trust that they will be OK? How do I let go? I do not have the answers. What I do know is that I have walked every step with my Savior. I will do this with him, as well. And I pray that his timing means more time than earthly time means? Yet, regardless, all I can do is what I have always done, trust my Savior.

And deep down, regardless of it all, I believe we will all be OK.