Pain pain and more pain

This past month has been so rough. The pain is excruciating. The intensity constant. And the firing nerve endings, were on overdrive. 

I am not sure what started the rolling symptoms and increasing pain, but I know that each day has pushed me to the edge of tolerance. 

As the doctors mistakenly mixed up medications and then had to fix it with different doctors, the pharmacy and insurance, I had to go off meds that stabilize brain function and spontaneous jerking movements, nerve firing and myclonic seizures. 

72 hours off meds and my body still has not realigned almost a month later. I begged the doctors and pharmacy for a few extra meds to pull me thru the transition. Most didn't think it would be that big of a deal. Boy were they wrong. Even though back on the medication, everything in my brain is still sporadically firing for no given reason. The nerve endings remain on fire, randomly jerking, firing and causing indescribable pain throughout my body. 

The pain in the bottoms of my feet make each step difficult and oh so ever painful. Each step feels as is I am walking on dozens of knives. When sitting still, the throbbing in my feet is intense and constant. My legs have become so sensitive that if the dogs or Hayden rub up against them, it feels as if they will break. They randomly jerk uncontrollable and frequently, I cannot move them. My hands are only working occasionally and are constantly in indescribable pain. My arms jerk uncontrollably and often. The myclonic seizures have come back with a vengeance. 

It took a year and a half to get the symptoms this under control. Only three days to undo years worth of progress. 

The pain is constant and with it my sleep patterns are sporadic, only being able to stay in one position for a short while and then awakening with indescribable pain. The nights are long. The days are intense. I struggle for any type of relief. 

Relief only comes when I plead with my Savior, telling him I am at my limit and. I can endure no more. 

I beg for a few moments of relief. A break from the constant pain. And a reprieve from the hurt. 

Because my Savior loves me. Because he is one and loving and compassionate. Because he knows my limits and tolerance even more than I do. He allows me to walk to the edge and feel that one more shooting pain will dump me off the cliff. But it is in then that he pulls me back. He stands as my guard rail. He protects me. He loves me. And I have felt is undying compassion and love for me. 

No. This road is not easy. It is unbelievably painful and rough and long. It takes all I have each day to muster up the courage, strength, tolerance, endurance, persistence, self discipline and will to walk this path. It is harder and more intense than anything I could have imagined. 

I trust that my Savior will be at my side whenever I need him.  

I had endured more pain than I could have imagined. I knelt down and asked the Savior for relief. Help. I begged for him to take some of the pain or relieve some of the symptoms. Instead, I felt inspired to read my book. Immediately I read these words and received my answer. "I cannot be the God you want me to be. I did not come here to solve your physical problems. I came to solve your spiritual ones. I am about the work of my Father." It wasn't the answer I wanted. It wasn't what I expected. It wasn't anything besides heartbreaking. I cried. Tears streamed down my face. 

But as I trusted my Savior, prayed more, read more, studied more, he added the following verses from Isaiah. "Fear not: for I have redeemed the,  I have called the by name; thou art mine. When thou pas sets through the waters, I will be with thee; and... When thou walkway through the fire, thou shalt not be burned;... For I am The Lord thy God... Thy Saviour:...thou wast precious in my sight... And I have loved thee. (Isaiah 43:1-4)

I felt my Savior wrap his loving arms around me. He comforted me. He buoyed me up with his strength and love. And although the pain stayed. And my answer was not what I wanted nor expected, he heard me. He answered me. He reassured me. And promised to walk with me. That's all I can ask for. 

Yes. I will be thrilled when the pain eventually dies down. For now, I will hold tight to my Savior and trust that I will not drown. I will not burn. I will not die. And I will not be alone. And that makes the pain, as excruciating as it is....bearable.