Lost and alone

This is a blog post that I have struggled with. I so badly want to show the bad times, along with the good, but also do no want to sound negative or hurt anyone. Here goes my attempt to explain to Hayden and my posterity the truth of life and how to survive the moments you feel completely lost and alone, as inevitably, all will pass down this road. Not one of us is free from the low times that bring us to our knees and have us questioning all we know and love. We rarely speak of those lows, as we feel we should be stronger or more in control. Here goes my raw and unedited emotions.

Lately, my world has felt very lonely. The situation has not necessarily changed but how I am coping definitely has.

l have struggled so very much. I have felt completely alone and abandoned by those around me.All except my sweet son and beloved husband.

As it has felt like every single friendship has let me down and/or betrayed me, I have had the desire to begin to shut each one out of my life. Why? Because the effort to keep struggling friendships around, is simply too painful.

The downward spiral started several weeks ago. One little thing after the next. Each one on its own, probably not significant to even mention because, hello, I am not perfect and I make tons of mistakes.

However, the stakes began getting higher and I found myself consulting more and more with Thomas and my beloved Savior over these events and how to cope.

Little things that really tore at my soul began to happen. Things that I hoped were an oversight and not an intentional hurtful act.

Then came a point that I could no longer see all these little events as trivial or insignificant but they started making a significant impact on my life. What was really worrisome was how they weren't coming from one particular person, but from most every person in my life that I was close to. Oh did my little heart hurt. Not only did my physical pain try and test me to the last nerve, but now, I was losing all I loved and held dear in the process, except for my husband and son. I was completely broken. I knelt down and asked how much more I could endure. And why, since I was suffering so much in the physical areas of my life, couldn't he soften hearts, including mine, and help ease the emotional torment I was experiencing.

The answer apparently was NO. Instead, I heard the scripture in D&C spoken to our beloved prophet, Joseph Smith. "All these things shall give thee experience...thou is not yet as Job.." and there the verse of scripture was modified to fit my needs..."Jerlyn, thy friends may abandon you. But unlike Job, you have the love and support of your husband and son. They will not forsake you. And I will not leave you comfortless. I will love and comfort you."

I am not sure if the answer helped or confused me more. My loving Savior knew exactly what is going on. He knew exactly what was happening, not only to my body to the heavy arsenal attack that was being placed on my soul. Yet, easing of my pain did not come. I was told not only was this happening but it would continue. I needed to understand that few would continue to stand by me.

I sought further knowledge, understanding and peace through prayer and scripture study. I slept with headphones on as I listened to general conference talks and church hymns, as I was trying to force out the pain and loneliness. While I was studying, I could sometimes escape momentary heartache but it quickly returned.

I just wondered how I was not enough. I realized that I couldn't help on a physical level. I realized that my needs were greater than others but I also felt like the life I had lived prior to my illness counted for something. I had put lots of service and love into bank accounts and prayed that was enough. Only to know that since my illness had lasted so long that the good I did prior to this illness was null and void. And it no longer counted.

I so struggled. I cried and cried and cried. I didn't sleep. I couldn't get out of bed. I hit a depression so hard and deep. I wasn't sure that I could go on living. I wasn't convinced that it was even the smart thing to do. I thought of all that Thomas and Hayden were missing out on because of me. I was at a low of lows.

I reached out for a hand to lift me.... no one came. I pleaded each day for someone to come knock on that door and hug me and tell me I was enough. It was silent. Completely silent.

The phone calls ceased. Those that did come around were different. The calls that came, I felt like were out of obligation and duty, not friendship.

What was i supposed to do? How was I supposed to carry on? How can I possibly do this alone? I need help.

Then the dreaded phone call came....my results are getting worse. Even more aggressive treatment than thought was needed to combat the latest round of invaders. Chemo infusions were necessary. I had been asking without directly asking for help over the past week or two, feeling deep inside me that something was coming and I needed to prepare emotionally for the battle and physically line up help.

One by one, I got the standard....if you can't find anyone else or my life is so crazy or I just don't know how I can squeeze it in.....I cannot possibly do one more thing....Well, when you get your schedule, if I am not doing anything else those days, then I am happy to help yet I help so many others already... my schedule is already pretty full helping so many....and the excuses and responses went on.

Okay, message loud and clear..... no help is coming.

I kept asking and cried to another friend. The response was... well I guess I could drop you and Hayden off in the mornings, I could pick you up after work or someone else could get you and bring you home. Anger set off. Really! My only solution was my fourteen year old son. How had my life come to this? How is it possible that I am going through chemo and no one is coming to my aid?

So how in the world was I supposed to now got to an infusion center all day? I thought of a taxi taking me and Hayden and Thomas said absolutely no. He thought of trying to take Family Leave & Medical Act but he would probably lose his job, not to mention we cannot go without the pay. I made the call to the doctor to tell him that oral medications or shots were necessary. .

Instead, we opted for the chemo that makes you sicker but you can get at home. The shots that are starting, we arranged for an early morning dose so that Thomas can take me, stay with me, take me home, and head into work a little late, each week. We are hoping this schedule and arrangement will be approved. If so, Hayden will be trained in what to do to help his mom. He can work on school work while laying there beside me to watch my symptoms. During the required adjustment period that someone over 18 has to be there, Thomas will have to take off work. So much for the beach this year.

Yet, I have to fight. I have to keep going. I have to win this battle. I cannot die. I must hold on and fight and endure at least until Hayden leaves on a mission. Of course, I would love to stick around longer, but for now, I just have to hold on for him. I never want him to experience what it is like to feel this alone. 

My heart is broken. I am exhausted.... worn out.... in pain.... hurting. Yet, I am learning to continue to fight. I am learning that I am strong. I can do this. I am learning the strength of my son. He is a fighter and is fiercely loyal. He loves his mom. As we sat down and talked to him, he is up for the challenge. He is up for the fight. He says he can handle mom vomiting and being ill. He just wants me to keep fighting and to live. I am grateful that my husband and son still think I am worth the heartache this disease is causing. I am grateful that my husband is loyal and loving and caring and a saint. He treats me like  queen, even in the midst of my greatest struggles. I cannot imagine a better man to walk this journey with. He is my strength, my protector and my true love.

So, my prayers for someone to come to my rescue happened. I was reminded that my husband, my son and my Savior are what I need to fight this fight. I pray this journey will teach Hayden love and endurance, long-suffering and dedication, Hard-work and moving forward in faith. I pray this journey brings you closer to our Savior, not farther away. I love you, Thomas and Hayden. Thank you for coming to my rescue. And, all my love and devotion to my Savior who carries me, strengthens me and gives me hope. Without him, this fight would be simply impossible.