23 Years

Some people measure time by the new year, a passing birthday or day, for me, I think I measure where my life is by the anniversary of my mom's death. Yesterday marked the day that she died 23 years ago. I can't believe it has been that long.

This year I have thought of her so often, probably even more so than most. When she was my age, she was paralyzed on one side and unable to care for herself on her own. As I have walked this year, I have thought of her, how I remember her handling herself during that time and have clung to any advice and insight that she gave me. I have tried to understand her and her life more. Tried to understand how hard that last year of her life must have been and what things were most important to her.

My mom was an amazing person with an amazing spirit and an amazing personality. During her last months with us, she continued to try to help others, encourage others and kept an incredibly optimistic and positive attitude. Some days I struggle to do that. I get that in the eternal scheme of things that what I am worried about or dealing with is insignificant, yet it still weighs on me or my heart.

I have really tried to put my life and priorities in place this year. I have tried to create the balance between family, church, work, responsibilities, friendships and fun. I have made decisions based on the long term effects of mine, Thomas and Hayden's lives. I am learning that is sometimes harder to say no than it is to just say yes and try to do things.

I admire my mom and her positive outlook, how she always knew instictively how to help others and had the magic touch of helping people to feel better. I have always held her up on this pedastal as someone that I was trying to emmulate. Someone that I had to somehow live up to. I had been struggling with feeling like I could never measure up and how, if I was her daughter, couldn't I do the things that she did.

I was questioning this and really struggling with this for a long time. In my eyes and everyone I talk to, my mom was perfect. I have always felt the need that in order to measure up in any way, I also had to be perfect.

One morning last week, I had verbalized these feelings to Thomas. Later, I was getting ready for work. As clear as day, I could hear my mom talking to me. She spoke to me of what she did with her life and what I was doing with mine. It was such a short moment that she was allowed to speak to my heart, but such profound feelings and emotions and knowledge was passed on to me. She told me that I wasn't sent to this earth to be her or live her life, I was sent here on my own mission. She expressed that during the last year of her life, that she did in fact try to help and serve a lot of people and then showed me my life. She explained that she wasn't perfect, and given the chance to do some things over, she would make some changes or do things differently. I was allowed to see things from my perspective today, not as a child actually going through the situation. Then, I was allowed to view things in my life from the same outsiders perspective. My mom told me that I was choosing the better part. I was choosing to put my priorities, choosing to follow the promptings I was feeling from the Holy Ghost as to how to live my life, choosing to put my Savior and family first. She assured me that I was doing okay. She also told me that perfection is not required here on earth, it is daily striving to be better, do our best and get up again and try again the next day. I felt her telling me that the more my heart desires to do good, the more my life is trying to strive to be like the Savior, the more I realize my imperfections, but the closer my life will come to being the life my Savior wants me to lead.

I came out of those quickly passing moments with such a different attitude and perspective. My mom was right, I wasn't sent to this earth to live her life or to be her. I have some of her qualities and talents, some of my dad's and some of my very own. I was taken back to the blessing I was given as I was set apart to be a missionary. "Jerlyn, the Lord is sending you, Jerlyn, to Korea, with all of your attributes, personality, faith and shortcomings. Don't try to be anyone besides the person HE wants you to be. The Lord can use you, if you are willing to let him, to touch and teach these sweet Korean people." I clung to that as I did things my own way.

The despair that I had been feeling over struggling with where I was at in my life seemed to dissipate. I felt relief. I felt like it was such a blessing to be able to have this experience. My mom, who has passed on before me, told me that I was doing okay. I was living my life how the Savior wanted me to. What a reassurance. What a blessing. What a great gift from my Father in Heaven. To know, that even with all my shortcomings and imperfections, that I am still okay and headed in a direction that will help me to return to my Father in Heaven.

My mom may have gone on to the next life, but I know I will see her again. I know she is very aware of me, what I am doing and what is happening in my life. She has been so close this last month as I have tried to walk through my trials. I am so grateful for her love that still guides me, comforts me and for those rare moments when heaven is right here on this earth. I will always love my sweet angel mother.