Alone

This last week has been so lonely. I've shed tears. I've been depressed. So depressed.  And when I think about it, I feel worse starting a new year in such a down place.

The thought of what decisions and choices I must make in the next few days and hours is overwhelming. How do you decide between methotrexate and Imuran and rituxin and chemo drugs? How do you trust this is the right decision when the side effects and risks are longer than the benefits? 

Cancer is so scary. When most people are diagnosed, they are not alone. People hear they are sick and starting chemo and they rally around them. They get hugs and cards and balloons and treats and visits from loved ones, friends and people from church. They are surrounded in love and concern and care. They are lifted by so many and helped on their journey. 

When someone like me has been facing it for years, the reaction is the opposite. Quiet. Changed subjects. People telling you they cannot deal with more bad news from you. Being told to look for the good. Be positive. Quit dwelling on the bad. And even worse. Sheer silence. Nothingness. No reaction. No hugs. No I'm sorry and just a changed subject. No troops rallying around. No help. Just more days battling this illness alone. No one caring. No one coming to your aid. No one from the ward coming to help. No relief. No hugs. Nothingness. Just the longings op for someone to care. To say you matter or I love you, I wish this wasn't happening to you. 

Now don't get me wrong. I have my husband that holds me and tells me I can do this. I have my son that prays for me. They are my rocks. They shoulder this trial with me. I never thought that my son would have to shoulder so much or endure so much at such a young age. At 14, life shouldn't be which chemo drugs and asking your friends if they are sick or requiring them to wash their hands. But he tells me that he loves me and is grateful to still have a mom here with him. And Thomas thanks me for enduring this for them.  I have a few friends and loved ones that still check in and help to lift me. The number is less than last year but I'm grateful for those that still love me and care even as I round into my sixth year. 

There are days when I plead for someone to reach out. Someone to call. For a text or card or anything to reassure me that fighting this is worth it. That I matter. That I am worth it for someone to interrupt their busy day to find time for a shut in. To,lift my spirits. 

Then I am reminded that our Savior was lonely. Even his apostles fell asleep during his darkest moments in Gethsemane. He was alone for 40 days and nights as he was tempted by the adversary. He felt alone and forsaken by those he loved and served. The prophet Joseph Smith felt alone and abandoned in Carthage jail. He pleaded with our Savior for comfort. Job, in the Old Testament experienced one heartache after another and he lost his friends and family and loved ones. He experienced total abandonment. But the one thing all these had in common was our loving Father in Heaven and our Savior, Jesus Christ did not abandon them. They were loved by God on high. Their needs were known by God. He did not leave them. He loved them. 

I am not yet as Job. There are people who love me and care about me. I must remember that I have those that unconditionally love me. I'm promised in blessings that those from the other side are too numerous to count. They know my trials and struggles and how I endure the best I can. They love me unconditionally. They walk with me and comfort me. They care that the road ahead is even harder than the past five years I have walked. They care that I turn to my Savior even when I plead for relief or companionship or someone to step away from their busy lives and show they care. When I am hurting and need someone to comfort me, my Savior comes. He sends his angels. He sends those that have gone before. He cares. And I'm learning to let that be enough. To let my Savior ease my pain and burdens and let him calm the injustices of life and allow peace and calm to feel my heart. 

And even when the world's cares consume me, I am gently reminded that my eternal Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ are aware of me and my needs. They care that I am scared to start chemo. They care that I need a shoulder I or a friend. They come. They do not abandon me. They send help. They send relief. They send hope. They send love. And if God and Jesus Christ are aware of me. And they care. Well shouldn't they be enough?! I am theirs. I am precious to them. And someday, when I return to their presence, I will be welcomed with hugs and love and reassurance that tells me that I am enough. And I am ok. And that my Savior is proud of me and how I handled things. There is no greater gift. So as I find myself wishing for help here, I try to remember that the greatest one to walk this earth knows and loves me. And that helps my little heart heal.