Since the decision was made on Tuesday late afternoon at 4:30 and chemo started Wednesday, I didn't have a whole lot of time to adjust. So along with the nausea today, many tears were shed. As I tried to wrap my own head around what is happening.... Chemo treatments, nausea, future hair loss, scheduling family pictures prior to losing my hair, fear of rejection, scared to walk this journey alone, uncertainty of what the future holds, mixed with hope that these treatments may help, the reality that I'm having dozens of seizures a day, the emotions that come with chemo and new meds and new diagnosis and the unknown.
As I started the day and only Thomas and I knew what was taking place, I prayed for comfort and reassurance. My dear Savior wrapped his arms around me and the Holy Ghost comforted me with a warmth of a think comforter. I felt safe as Thomas brought me my oral chemo, and I tried to down half an egg and piece of toast to lessen the nausea. Thomas took my hands in his and offered a beautiful prayer. One of hope and strength and of peace, comfort and reassurance. As he left for work, he woke Hayden to come lay in the bed next to me just in case I needed him. I curled back in my blanket and fell into a deep and relaxing sleep.
I awoke a coup,e of hours later to nausea but tried to hold it together. I was grateful when Jodi called and was concerned and cared about my day and unexpected chemo start. It was comforting to have her near, even if just near in spirit. Suzi stopped by and I feel support coming.
Lunch time rolled around and Hayden made lunch. I walked into the kitchen and immediately the nausea went full force. Hayden had cooked fish sticks. Oh the nausea it set off. Poor boy, I made him and his fish sticks go outside and told him all remainders were to go directly to the outside trash. I opened the doors and sat on the front porch trying to avoid the sickness and smell. Poor Hayden. He felt so bad. I didn't have any idea, how could he. (Just writing about it is bringing the nausea worse right now)
My visiting teacher, Donnie Tayrien pulled up. We visited. We talked. It was reassuring to have someone else offer words of encouragement.
Hayden and I watched a documentary before Joyce came over to make dinner with Hayden. The opted for soup and rolls which I appreciated. She is so good to us. As they worked on dinner, I grab end the pups and decided to nap again. I talked to my dad for a few short minutes during that time, as well. I wanted to give him a heads up on the situation. Jodi called and let me vent to her for which I am truly grateful.
I was shocked when Hayden came in the room telling me my brother Josh was at the door. Suzi had told him and jake that I started chemo. Josh sat and visited for a while reassuring me that he would be willing to help in any way. His visit mean so much to me. The support was such a gift. We laughed. We talked of Dallin leaving on a mission. And talked about life. My spirits were lifted.
This evening I was shocked again with a phone call from my dear brother Jake. Although Jake was very disheartened that josh had stopped by and Jodi had called multiple times and suzi had been over twice. He laughed that he didn't get home until almost 8. I was just grateful for the call. Jake has a way of making me laugh and smile. He told me I needed to go get a wig now. I probably should but need a couple of days to wrap my,head around all of this chemo business.
Thomas and Hayden out on goosebumps movie to try and distract from the nausea. I am just grateful that they care. They both folded laundry during it and straightened he house for me. Not that I could do it but it takes the pressure off. Who am I kidding, I never can do it, chemo actually made me feel less guilty.
Unfortunately, the nausea is worse tonight. Nothing is working. I'm so sick that I can't find sleep. I'm not sure I can find anything to work so I will be trying to research new ways tomorrow. Instead I lay here just extremely nauseaous and watching army wives and blogging. Anything to keep my mind off it. It's not working. I think typing is making it worse. Maybe a hot bath.
I am grateful for good doctors, supportive loved ones, a wonderful husband and son that would do anything for me. I'm truly blessed. I'm grateful for my Savior and the Holy Ghost that have made this day much more emotionally bearable.
If I could ask for anything. It would be prayers. Prayers that I will stay strong. Prayers that I can endure. Prayers that the chemo works. Prayers that we can get disability. Prayers that I will find some relief. I grateful for my,friends and family that love me. I am truly blessed.
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