My mom

Each year Mother's day comes and goes. Each year I am reminded that my mom is not here with me. Each year I realize that I have survived another year without her. Each year I calculate all the times I wish she had of been here, that I truly needed her. I wonder what my life would be like if she were here. I question it all.

This year, different feelings crossed my mine and plagued my heart. I spent each moment treasuring and cherishing the fact that I was blessed to be a mom. Not only that buy a mom to the most amazing son ever. I cherish being a mom more than anything. I love motherhood. I know my own mother did too.

Then, a heartache hit like a ton of bricks. did my mom know that her last mother's day would be her last? Did she know how much we would miss her? Did she mourn knowing she wouldn't face another Mother's day with us celebrating her?

Then I questioned how it was to leave a husband she adored and five children she cherished behind. Was she scared? Did she feel she had taught us enough? The right things? Did she feel she had told us enough times that we were loved and cherished?

Of course, my mom did all those things. She loved us with all her heart. She taught us the gospel of Jesus Christ. She taught us with love and raised us in kindness and love. All five of us, and my dad, love and adore her.

Yet, I found myself asking those questions. Am I enough? Have I done enough? Does Thomas and Hayden know how much I love them? Have I taught enough lessons? Taught how much I love and trust and cherish my Savior? How much I rely on the Holy Ghost? How much I know my Father in Heaven knows me and loves me? Have I given enough love? Have I taught Hayden the essential skills he needs to navigate life and a mission? Does he know how to treat others? Does he know how to find answers? to pray? to be a great friend? Will he always remember how much I love, adore and cherish him and his dad? Will he know that I have tried to always put the will of my savior and my loving Father in Heaven above my own, even when I have failed? Does he know that he and his dad are my world? My life? my joy? my hope? my tomorrows? and everything that makes me smile?

I found myself clinging to every moment and cherishing and remembering each one. Deep down I felt it may be my last. That next Mother's Day that Hayden would hurt and mourn like I have so many times. That he would feel lost and heartbroken and not know how he would make it through the day. Yet he would try to smile and be cheerful and full of energy knowing that his dad would also be hurting and filled with those same feelings.

I hope my treasured and beloved boys that I adore go away and have a great time and just avoid the day. I hope and pray they always know how much I love and adore them.

And, as was questioning how my mom felt and how I felt, I came to an amazing and cherished conclusion. Yes! My mom taught me all I needed to know in life. She taught me that I was a daughter of God. She taught me the gospel of Jesus Christ. She taught me that I was loved unconditionally, even beyond this life. That love lasted beyond the grave.

And I then realized that my mom has always been here, right next to me. She has played with Hayden and walked with me. She has comforted me when I received heartbreaking news at the doctor, My mom has walked with me and been there when no one else could. She walked the streets of Korea with me, she has been in Hayden's surgeries, she has dealt with and endured so much for me.

So, I have taught Hayden that I will never be far. Once a mom, always a mom. Always loving and cherishing him. Always near. Always helping. Alwasys giving him what he needs. I will absolutely be a help to our Savior and Holy Ghost whenever I can. I will always be close. And therefore, he will feel me.

Just like my mom, I will continue to be there from the other side. I will still love and encourage and send hope and love.

And although I may not see another Mother's day, and I may not physically walk with Hayden here and hold his hand on this precious day, I will be close.  So very close.

I pray he will be still and feel me close. I pray he will never doubt my undying love. I pray I was a good enough mom. I pray he will always know how much I love him!

And mom, to answer your questions, you are and were an amazing mom. You were more of a blessing in 17 years than most moms are in a lifetime. You taught me what I needed and gave me strength to learn the rest..

It has been a long walk without you. But, we have learned and become what you prayed for. Not perfect, but we all believe in our Savior. We know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. We do our best to follow him. We have tried to raise our children and pattern our lives after our Savior. Knowing we had an excellent example to follow.

You are and always have been enough, Mom! We cherish you1 We love you! We adore you! I only pray that I can do for Hayden what you have done for me. I love you, Mom!

And Thomas and Hayden, I love you with all my heart! Thomas, without you, I would have never been a mom. Thank you for making me the happiest and most loved wife around. And Hayden, being your mom brought me more joy than you can ever imagine. You are my world! and I love and adore you! To the moon and back, forever and always, I will be loving you!