Why

Why?

I find myself asking this question a lot. Why? Followed by almost anything one can imagine.

Some of my favorite Why's , involve why we do the things we do, says the things we say and treat others the way we do.

Sure there are the why's that have to do with my illness and why things have to be so complicated. I understand we learn much by asking why and our lives containing why's yet usually the why's in our lives contain a lot of growth and learning.

Living in a bunch of why's is sometimes difficult. It takes all the strength we can muster. And, "Why's" leave us questioning, regardless of what has happened.

Of course, I have asked why my illness must go on so long, why I must endure such constant and excruciatingly painful disease, day in and day out. Why is it that the breaks from this disease last so short? Why the pain? Why the loneliness? Why the heartache?

Yet, there are other why's that are much more emotional and heartbreaking than others. Why did I get left out? Why am I not worth visiting? Why must I walk with so few caring if I live or die? Why must I endure such loneliness? Why must I walk this awful disease with my 14 year old son being the one to have to deal with such awful circumstances? Why this or why that?

I think my hardest is why doesn't anyone try to understand what heartache I face. And Why if they do get it, do they not just call or stop by or send a note or anything. Why is it so hard to find a friend after years of being sick.

And one of the very hardest, why's. is that I ask why I wasn't a good enough friend that I deserve to not matter any more. Why does not my years of service and carrying and being a good friend not buy me a few moments of kindness and true friendship now? Why must I walk so alone?Why must my life be a burden to others? Why? Why? Why?

I try not to let myself ask too many why's,

But why's are a part of human nature. We wonder. We ask questions. We look at our lives and wonder if things couldn't be different and we still learn the same lessons needed?

Today I received a thank you card but in it were filled with why's more than thanks and quoting misunderstandings and relations from other's than anything I had said or done. Simply someones unsolicited opinion effecting others. Why my illness affected their life. Why they hadn't planned on me being sick so long. And why my illness has been inconvenient and hard on them. Why my heartache and illness had negatively impacted them and how I no longer could do what I used to so therefore they were moving on. 

My heart broke. I cannot help my illness. I am what I am. I'm doing my best. Sure could others do better? Possibly. But, im giving my all. It's been a long hard road. A long illness. A long time. A lot of heartache. 

I ,pure who I once was. What my life used to entail. What I was able to do as a wife and mother. I mourn the loss. Yet. I also see the good this illness has brought. I see how my Savior has become my dearest friend. How my husband and son have stood by my side. How friends have been there for me. I see the good. 

My job is to stay strong and keep fighting even when I must ask why others treat me the way the way t trn to? Why must I walk alone some days?

Yes, I ask these questions. Yet, I am also grateful for all that has been given. I am grateful for those that care. 

It is a different life than I imagined. It has been hard. But it has also been the greatest gift as my Savior walks with me. My son and husband are wonderful. They are my joy. My Savior is the most amazing friend I could have. I'm so grateful for him. Life is good even when I am limited. It is joyful even when I am judged harshly by others. It is good even with my lack of understanding. I am grateful for my Savior. I'm grateful for my son and husbNd. I'm grateful for all the gifts I'm given regardless of my hurt and heartache. Life is good.